Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Benang yang nak dekat putus.


Lately entah kenape hati ni rase sangat gundah gulane. Terlebih sensitif. Overtalkative. Super obsessive. Under-productive. Eeee, kadang2 rs cm nak tumbuk diri sendiri. Hentak kat meja, pukul kepale. Tampar pipi, ketap gigi, kayu sugi. Ok mengarut. Pokoknye rase cm nak marah diri sendiri. Rase cm iman dh jatuh smpi lubang cacing susah nak jumpe. Rase cm "patutkah berfikiran cmtu?". Rase berdosa, rase bersalah, rase xpatut.

Knpe minda ni berlegar2 berfikiran bnde same? Tup tup ke situ jugak die pergi. Dh usaha lupekan, tp timbul balik fikiran cmtu. Susah, memang sangat susah. Xbulih dinafikan. Xbulih disangkal, xmampu menyangkal. Kalau bulih fikiran cmtu dipisahkan dari diri, sy rela. Pisahkanlah. Jauhkanlah. Hilangkanlah. Shu shu shuuuu, I beg you.

Kadang-kadang rase nak duduk di dunia sendiri. Jauh dari manusia. Jauh dari semua. I guess it'll be very lonely. But it's necessary. Dalam usaha nak membleach semua tinta2 hitam dari kanvas ni, tindakan itu perlu. Tapi sadly, it's impossible. I cannot create a world. I live in a world filled with people. The problem is not even them, it's me. I should get away from myself. Is that even possible? I'm no Wanderer (The Host reference). I can't separate my soul from my body. Maybe not soul, maybe just my brain. The place where I produce thoughts. Can I get it out of my skull? No, I obviously cant. Or shud I say, I won't. I dont think I'll live without a brain. I'm grateful for my brain. I just want to get rid of the thoughts. The unwanted thoughts. Bisikan-bisikan syaitan! Shuh shuh!! Shuuuhhh!!

I've always been a very private person. I don't really share much with people. Let it be possessions or feelings. Sedih sendiri, marah sendiri, suke sendiri (ok ni tipu), keciwe sendiri. Bile dh rase down, xleh nak share dgn org...rase lebih down. Bile rase seronok, xbulih nak share ngan org...pon rs down jugak. It's all in my mind. I overthink stuff. I overthink EVERYTHING! It's exhausting, it's tiring, it's destructive. Yes, I'm self-destructing. I'm a ticking bomb. Waiting to explode. But somehow, it never does. I have the One to thank for that. Self-motivating. Self-reassuring. Self-pat on the shoulder. All that is His doing and I'm grateful for it. Bersyukur akal ni masih intact. Bersyukur dengan gejolak emosi ni pon, hati ni tetap kuat nak bertahan. Memang betul, janji Dia. Dia xkan uji melebihi kemampuan hamba-Nya. Saye percaye.

IT'S RAINING!!! I love rain so much~ -3.09am-

Dengan kondisi dalam 'bubble' ni pon, saye masih selamat. Belum ada jarum-jarum yang menusuk, belum ada duri-duri yang mencucuk, belum ada tangan-tangan melampaui batas nak memecahkan bubble ni. Masih selamat terbang di udara, lihat dunia, mengejar syurga. Alhamdulillah~

Sorry la Asyiqin, saye mengarut di pagi hari. (ckp ngan diri sendiri). Marilah kite lihat keindahan alam, tenangkan diri. Ingat mati.

Tau dh upload, nak upload lg skali jugak. xkire!

Matahari yang tanpanye kite derite, dengannye juga kite sengsare. Ahaha...ok cukup with kemengarutan di pagi hari. Salam~

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Curug Cilember 23.10.2012


*mood bercerite*

Alhamdulillah dh selamat pergi dan balik ke/dari Curug Cilember smlm. *baru bangun dr pengsan* The day started a bit late since van yang kitorg tempah suddenly stuck in a massive jam. We waited for more than 2 hours. It shud've started earlier than that, 630am. But turned out we could only begin the journey at 9am. Xpe la, mungkin ade hikmah di situ. Kitorg sempat la makan2 utk breakfast. Sekadar mengisi perut and buat reservoir energy utk pendakian later. 

Perjalanan ke Curug Cilember...nothing too interesting. I think everybody's tired (from lack of sleep I suppose as we had to get ready VERY early). Most of them slept throughout the journey. I, on the other hand was confused whether to sleep or not. I keep waking up from unplanned naps and dreading each and every time coz nothing to do in that tight spot of the van. Couldnt really move that much. Sore. Bored. Indecisively sleepy maybe due to the scarcity of oxygen in the vehicle. Ahaha...

Around 11am, we reached the destination. Stretching our limbs loose as we got out of the van. A group of us already started climbing. Most of us stayed behind, only to ensure everybody's on their feet. *thats a lie* I'm with the second batch. Excited at the thought of hiking and enjoying the waterfall at the end of the trail (not really the end). Determined, I hiked and hiked. Ignoring the build up of lactic acid in my muscles. I'm like that, I pushed myself over my own limit. I don't know why. I only paid attention to the ground I'm stepping on. Only tilting my head up when there's Arabians (sejuk hati dgr dorg bagi salam kat kitorg, lembut je...huhu) descending from higher grounds. 

Pintu masuukk.

View from down below. Kerdilnye. Huuu...

In the beginning...the trail was ok. 

Our aim was to find our other friends who started climbing earlier. They've found a spot for us. But it was not easy finding the right path (there were a few trails). There was no sign, no nothing. We had to go with our guts. And apparently our guts were wrong. We ended up climbing far more than needed. The first batch was at Curug 3. We climbed almost to the top (Curug 1)! We hiked for more than an hour! It was exhausting. 

But then, we heard voices...a group of men we encountered earlier. They said we were nearing Curug 1 (I think everybody's jaw dropped to the floor at this statement). So, we followed the group of men down the slippery slopes. A few of us fell on our bottoms as we climbed down. I, amazingly...avoided falling flat on the grounds in spite of my clumsiness and frictionless shoes. Annddd....akhirnye dengar suare2 pompuan memanggil. Dh sampaiiii!! At last. 

I think I was too tired....my legs started shaking frantically once I stopped walking. I couldnt stop it. Somebody told me to sit but I couldnt even bend my knees. Clearly the porridge I ate earlier didnt provide me with enough energy for the hiking. I just wanted to get in the water and I did just that. I even ignored the food. Everybody else were eating, I was playing with the crystal clear water. Engrossed in the beauty I was witnessing in front of me. The flowing water. The ever majestic fall of the water from up above. The partially hindered sunlight in between the trees. Insects on the water. The sound of animals (but it's scary when I was alone, not knowing where everybody else was...sesat sorg2 jap). 

Waterfall~ At Curug 3!

I can see my hand in the water very clearlyy~ 

With a splash of colours. 

What I see with my eyes is far more beautiful than what is captured here. MasyaAllah. ^-^

Not long after that, ade a few mat Arab ni dtg spot kitorg. Along with their tour guide (tourguidekah?). I was facing them when they sat near the waterfall. And I realized they were eyeing us. Hmmmmm....awkwarddd! Dalam hati, I was like..."Eeeee, pak Arab ni...xnmpk ke pompuan2 kat sini? Bulih plak die mandi atas tu. Siap jeling2 lg. Go awaayyy!" I changed position. But still felt uneasy. I climbed up to our bags. Away from their eagle eyes. But I still feel uneasy. A few of us tried the staring game. Stare them until they go away. But I didnt think that would work. At least not fast enough. So, I mustered every courage I had, and ask the tour guide to guide them to higher waterfalls. I was surprised at first. I was never the one to take the initiative to start a conversation with a stranger. Let alone a man. Plus...it was not really a conversation. I was basically shuuu-ing them away. (it was rude but necessary)

Alhamdulillah, after the tour guide talked to the Arabians, they left. Success! ^-^ We climbed up to the waterfall and oooooohh the water was sooo freezing cold. My teeth chattering. My hands and legs are shivering. Involuntary response to keep my body warm, I suppose. Then, I stood under the waterfall. Let the water fall on me. It was colder there than everywhere else. The sound of the water cancelling the surrounding noises, voices and even blurred my vision. It was as if I was alone. Only the sound of the water was accompanying me. It was...peaceful. Oh how peaceful I felt down there. I love it. I didnt think of anything. Separated from my mind. I couldnt even think if I wanted to. 

Next, the climbing down. It was harder. Felt like the trails got more slippery. I almost fell a few times. It was a looongg way down. Again, my legs were shaking with every step I took. I was in dire need of food. Good thing climbing down didnt take much energy. Or else, my legs would turn jell-o. huhu....

Slippery slope. The trail we had to go thru from Curug 4 till Curug 1!

Nice view on the way back. 

What you shud see if you're lying flat on the ground.

And the journey ends as we reached home. Alhamdulillah for a wonderful yet tiring girls day out. :)

Friday, 19 October 2012



Wow. It's been 3 months since the last time I posted an entry. That was the day I returned to Malaysia. And now I'm already back in Indonesia. For the last semester before entering the clinical phase! Ahhhh..scary. Yup2. Scary. Not ready. Too heavy.  It's horrid.  I'm worried. People say if you feel that you're not ready, then most probably you're not. Or you're just too nervous to go through a whole new environment in front of you. You can see it but you can't quite grasp it. You have a picture of it in your mind but it's still blurry. That makes it even harder, right? Not knowing what to expect. Oh well, we have to try our best and leave the rest to Allah. He'll ease our way, InsyaAllah.

I read something today. It goes like this...

"And if Allah should amplify the provision for His servants they would certainly revolt in the earth; but He sends it down according to a measure as He pleases; surely He is Aware of, Seeing, His servants."

bahasa melayunye...

"Dan jikalau Allah melapang rezeki kepada hamba-hambaNya tentulah mereka akan melampaui batas di muka bumi, tetapi Allah menurunkan apa yang dikehendaki-Nya dengan ukuran. Sesungguhnya Dia Maha Mengetahui (keadaan) hamba-hambaNya, lagi Maha Melihat." (Asy-Syuura: 27)

Ever thought of why the things we want, we seldom get them? It says here that if Allah gives everything we've ever wanted in life on this dunya, then we, as human being will want even more. It is so typical of human to forget to be grateful for all the things we have. Always wanting the things we don't. Always hungry for more of the dunya. We shud always be grateful for every single thing we have, our beliefs, our faith, all that Allah has lent to us. What we get, is what we need.

"..and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know." (Al-Baqarah: 216)

Allah knows what's best for us. Put that trust deep in our hearts. Allah knows best! ^-^