Tuesday 30 October 2012

Benang yang nak dekat putus.

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum~

Lately entah kenape hati ni rase sangat gundah gulane. Terlebih sensitif. Overtalkative. Super obsessive. Under-productive. Eeee, kadang2 rs cm nak tumbuk diri sendiri. Hentak kat meja, pukul kepale. Tampar pipi, ketap gigi, kayu sugi. Ok mengarut. Pokoknye rase cm nak marah diri sendiri. Rase cm iman dh jatuh smpi lubang cacing susah nak jumpe. Rase cm "patutkah berfikiran cmtu?". Rase berdosa, rase bersalah, rase xpatut.

Knpe minda ni berlegar2 berfikiran bnde same? Tup tup ke situ jugak die pergi. Dh usaha lupekan, tp timbul balik fikiran cmtu. Susah, memang sangat susah. Xbulih dinafikan. Xbulih disangkal, xmampu menyangkal. Kalau bulih fikiran cmtu dipisahkan dari diri, sy rela. Pisahkanlah. Jauhkanlah. Hilangkanlah. Shu shu shuuuu, I beg you.

Kadang-kadang rase nak duduk di dunia sendiri. Jauh dari manusia. Jauh dari semua. I guess it'll be very lonely. But it's necessary. Dalam usaha nak membleach semua tinta2 hitam dari kanvas ni, tindakan itu perlu. Tapi sadly, it's impossible. I cannot create a world. I live in a world filled with people. The problem is not even them, it's me. I should get away from myself. Is that even possible? I'm no Wanderer (The Host reference). I can't separate my soul from my body. Maybe not soul, maybe just my brain. The place where I produce thoughts. Can I get it out of my skull? No, I obviously cant. Or shud I say, I won't. I dont think I'll live without a brain. I'm grateful for my brain. I just want to get rid of the thoughts. The unwanted thoughts. Bisikan-bisikan syaitan! Shuh shuh!! Shuuuhhh!!

I've always been a very private person. I don't really share much with people. Let it be possessions or feelings. Sedih sendiri, marah sendiri, suke sendiri (ok ni tipu), keciwe sendiri. Bile dh rase down, xleh nak share dgn org...rase lebih down. Bile rase seronok, xbulih nak share ngan org...pon rs down jugak. It's all in my mind. I overthink stuff. I overthink EVERYTHING! It's exhausting, it's tiring, it's destructive. Yes, I'm self-destructing. I'm a ticking bomb. Waiting to explode. But somehow, it never does. I have the One to thank for that. Self-motivating. Self-reassuring. Self-pat on the shoulder. All that is His doing and I'm grateful for it. Bersyukur akal ni masih intact. Bersyukur dengan gejolak emosi ni pon, hati ni tetap kuat nak bertahan. Memang betul, janji Dia. Dia xkan uji melebihi kemampuan hamba-Nya. Saye percaye.

IT'S RAINING!!! I love rain so much~ -3.09am-

Dengan kondisi dalam 'bubble' ni pon, saye masih selamat. Belum ada jarum-jarum yang menusuk, belum ada duri-duri yang mencucuk, belum ada tangan-tangan melampaui batas nak memecahkan bubble ni. Masih selamat terbang di udara, lihat dunia, mengejar syurga. Alhamdulillah~

Sorry la Asyiqin, saye mengarut di pagi hari. (ckp ngan diri sendiri). Marilah kite lihat keindahan alam, tenangkan diri. Ingat mati.

Tau dh upload, nak upload lg skali jugak. xkire!

Matahari yang tanpanye kite derite, dengannye juga kite sengsare. Ahaha...ok cukup with kemengarutan di pagi hari. Salam~

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