Saturday, 14 April 2012

Guilty as charged.


I now realize that I need to rinse, wash, spin and dry my heart. And in the process, I have to use a very strong detergent and a concentrated bleach. To wash off all the stains. To drain out all the dirtiness. To whiten the unclean. To freshen the stink. To sweeten the unpleasant.

As white as snow.

The question is, is it even possible? If I could rip my heart out and wash it thoroughly using a washing machine and put it back in place..a clean and white heart, I would. But that is beyond possible.

So, I have to find another way. What is the other way? I want to know. I see glimpses of it every now and then, but why does it seem so far away? The moment I see the way, it disappears. Even if it stayed, I still couldn't reach it. There are always obstacles, things hindering me from making it till the end. I tried being strong, tried not to fall into 'traps' along the way, walk cautiously with every step I take...but in the end of the day, the efforts and struggles seem so useless. It's like I can't move on. Dwelling on the past. It's funny that I can dwell on the past when in fact I have very short memory span. It's too funny. I just don't understand my brain. I really don't. The things I want to forget love to linger in my head and the things I desperately want to remember just love to leave my brain.

Maybe I should rinse, wash, spin and dry my brain as well. It seems to be the source of all the problems. Either because I forget things, or because I remember things. Forgetting and remembering is the brain's job right? Hurm~ Making mistakes without realizing it. Hurting people without knowing it. Saying the wrong things without intending to. Yes, we can control what we say, do, think but I believe that'll take a lot of energy from your body. And you wont last half a day. At least I won't. But I have to try, right? For the sake of peace. My peace and other people's peace. And the world's!

I'm a victim of my own mind. And other people are the victims of my wrongdoings. I need somebody to shut off my brain and turn on my heart. Please and thank you~

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