Benang yang nak dekat putus.

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum~

Lately entah kenape hati ni rase sangat gundah gulane. Terlebih sensitif. Overtalkative. Super obsessive. Under-productive. Eeee, kadang2 rs cm nak tumbuk diri sendiri. Hentak kat meja, pukul kepale. Tampar pipi, ketap gigi, kayu sugi. Ok mengarut. Pokoknye rase cm nak marah diri sendiri. Rase cm iman dh jatuh smpi lubang cacing susah nak jumpe. Rase cm "patutkah berfikiran cmtu?". Rase berdosa, rase bersalah, rase xpatut.

Knpe minda ni berlegar2 berfikiran bnde same? Tup tup ke situ jugak die pergi. Dh usaha lupekan, tp timbul balik fikiran cmtu. Susah, memang sangat susah. Xbulih dinafikan. Xbulih disangkal, xmampu menyangkal. Kalau bulih fikiran cmtu dipisahkan dari diri, sy rela. Pisahkanlah. Jauhkanlah. Hilangkanlah. Shu shu shuuuu, I beg you.

Kadang-kadang rase nak duduk di dunia sendiri. Jauh dari manusia. Jauh dari semua. I guess it'll be very lonely. But it's necessary. Dalam usaha nak membleach semua tinta2 hitam dari kanvas ni, tindakan itu perlu. Tapi sadly, it's impossible. I cannot create a world. I live in a world filled with people. The problem is not even them, it's me. I should get away from myself. Is that even possible? I'm no Wanderer (The Host reference). I can't separate my soul from my body. Maybe not soul, maybe just my brain. The place where I produce thoughts. Can I get it out of my skull? No, I obviously cant. Or shud I say, I won't. I dont think I'll live without a brain. I'm grateful for my brain. I just want to get rid of the thoughts. The unwanted thoughts. Bisikan-bisikan syaitan! Shuh shuh!! Shuuuhhh!!

I've always been a very private person. I don't really share much with people. Let it be possessions or feelings. Sedih sendiri, marah sendiri, suke sendiri (ok ni tipu), keciwe sendiri. Bile dh rase down, xleh nak share dgn org...rase lebih down. Bile rase seronok, xbulih nak share ngan org...pon rs down jugak. It's all in my mind. I overthink stuff. I overthink EVERYTHING! It's exhausting, it's tiring, it's destructive. Yes, I'm self-destructing. I'm a ticking bomb. Waiting to explode. But somehow, it never does. I have the One to thank for that. Self-motivating. Self-reassuring. Self-pat on the shoulder. All that is His doing and I'm grateful for it. Bersyukur akal ni masih intact. Bersyukur dengan gejolak emosi ni pon, hati ni tetap kuat nak bertahan. Memang betul, janji Dia. Dia xkan uji melebihi kemampuan hamba-Nya. Saye percaye.

IT'S RAINING!!! I love rain so much~ -3.09am-

Dengan kondisi dalam 'bubble' ni pon, saye masih selamat. Belum ada jarum-jarum yang menusuk, belum ada duri-duri yang mencucuk, belum ada tangan-tangan melampaui batas nak memecahkan bubble ni. Masih selamat terbang di udara, lihat dunia, mengejar syurga. Alhamdulillah~

Sorry la Asyiqin, saye mengarut di pagi hari. (ckp ngan diri sendiri). Marilah kite lihat keindahan alam, tenangkan diri. Ingat mati.

Tau dh upload, nak upload lg skali jugak. xkire!

Matahari yang tanpanye kite derite, dengannye juga kite sengsare. Ahaha...ok cukup with kemengarutan di pagi hari. Salam~

Curug Cilember 23.10.2012

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum~

*mood bercerite*

Alhamdulillah dh selamat pergi dan balik ke/dari Curug Cilember smlm. *baru bangun dr pengsan* The day started a bit late since van yang kitorg tempah suddenly stuck in a massive jam. We waited for more than 2 hours. It shud've started earlier than that, 630am. But turned out we could only begin the journey at 9am. Xpe la, mungkin ade hikmah di situ. Kitorg sempat la makan2 utk breakfast. Sekadar mengisi perut and buat reservoir energy utk pendakian later. 

Perjalanan ke Curug Cilember...nothing too interesting. I think everybody's tired (from lack of sleep I suppose as we had to get ready VERY early). Most of them slept throughout the journey. I, on the other hand was confused whether to sleep or not. I keep waking up from unplanned naps and dreading each and every time coz nothing to do in that tight spot of the van. Couldnt really move that much. Sore. Bored. Indecisively sleepy maybe due to the scarcity of oxygen in the vehicle. Ahaha...

Around 11am, we reached the destination. Stretching our limbs loose as we got out of the van. A group of us already started climbing. Most of us stayed behind, only to ensure everybody's on their feet. *thats a lie* I'm with the second batch. Excited at the thought of hiking and enjoying the waterfall at the end of the trail (not really the end). Determined, I hiked and hiked. Ignoring the build up of lactic acid in my muscles. I'm like that, I pushed myself over my own limit. I don't know why. I only paid attention to the ground I'm stepping on. Only tilting my head up when there's Arabians (sejuk hati dgr dorg bagi salam kat kitorg, lembut je...huhu) descending from higher grounds. 

Pintu masuukk.

View from down below. Kerdilnye. Huuu...

In the beginning...the trail was ok. 

Our aim was to find our other friends who started climbing earlier. They've found a spot for us. But it was not easy finding the right path (there were a few trails). There was no sign, no nothing. We had to go with our guts. And apparently our guts were wrong. We ended up climbing far more than needed. The first batch was at Curug 3. We climbed almost to the top (Curug 1)! We hiked for more than an hour! It was exhausting. 

But then, we heard voices...a group of men we encountered earlier. They said we were nearing Curug 1 (I think everybody's jaw dropped to the floor at this statement). So, we followed the group of men down the slippery slopes. A few of us fell on our bottoms as we climbed down. I, amazingly...avoided falling flat on the grounds in spite of my clumsiness and frictionless shoes. Annddd....akhirnye dengar suare2 pompuan memanggil. Dh sampaiiii!! At last. 

I think I was too tired....my legs started shaking frantically once I stopped walking. I couldnt stop it. Somebody told me to sit but I couldnt even bend my knees. Clearly the porridge I ate earlier didnt provide me with enough energy for the hiking. I just wanted to get in the water and I did just that. I even ignored the food. Everybody else were eating, I was playing with the crystal clear water. Engrossed in the beauty I was witnessing in front of me. The flowing water. The ever majestic fall of the water from up above. The partially hindered sunlight in between the trees. Insects on the water. The sound of animals (but it's scary when I was alone, not knowing where everybody else was...sesat sorg2 jap). 

Waterfall~ At Curug 3!

I can see my hand in the water very clearlyy~ 

With a splash of colours. 

What I see with my eyes is far more beautiful than what is captured here. MasyaAllah. ^-^

Not long after that, ade a few mat Arab ni dtg spot kitorg. Along with their tour guide (tourguidekah?). I was facing them when they sat near the waterfall. And I realized they were eyeing us. Hmmmmm....awkwarddd! Dalam hati, I was like..."Eeeee, pak Arab ni...xnmpk ke pompuan2 kat sini? Bulih plak die mandi atas tu. Siap jeling2 lg. Go awaayyy!" I changed position. But still felt uneasy. I climbed up to our bags. Away from their eagle eyes. But I still feel uneasy. A few of us tried the staring game. Stare them until they go away. But I didnt think that would work. At least not fast enough. So, I mustered every courage I had, and ask the tour guide to guide them to higher waterfalls. I was surprised at first. I was never the one to take the initiative to start a conversation with a stranger. Let alone a man. Plus...it was not really a conversation. I was basically shuuu-ing them away. (it was rude but necessary)

Alhamdulillah, after the tour guide talked to the Arabians, they left. Success! ^-^ We climbed up to the waterfall and oooooohh the water was sooo freezing cold. My teeth chattering. My hands and legs are shivering. Involuntary response to keep my body warm, I suppose. Then, I stood under the waterfall. Let the water fall on me. It was colder there than everywhere else. The sound of the water cancelling the surrounding noises, voices and even blurred my vision. It was as if I was alone. Only the sound of the water was accompanying me. It was...peaceful. Oh how peaceful I felt down there. I love it. I didnt think of anything. Separated from my mind. I couldnt even think if I wanted to. 

Next, the climbing down. It was harder. Felt like the trails got more slippery. I almost fell a few times. It was a looongg way down. Again, my legs were shaking with every step I took. I was in dire need of food. Good thing climbing down didnt take much energy. Or else, my legs would turn jell-o. huhu....

Slippery slope. The trail we had to go thru from Curug 4 till Curug 1!

Nice view on the way back. 

What you shud see if you're lying flat on the ground.

And the journey ends as we reached home. Alhamdulillah for a wonderful yet tiring girls day out. :)

Wow.

Bismillah...
Assalamualaikum~

Wow. It's been 3 months since the last time I posted an entry. That was the day I returned to Malaysia. And now I'm already back in Indonesia. For the last semester before entering the clinical phase! Ahhhh..scary. Yup2. Scary. Not ready. Too heavy.  It's horrid.  I'm worried. People say if you feel that you're not ready, then most probably you're not. Or you're just too nervous to go through a whole new environment in front of you. You can see it but you can't quite grasp it. You have a picture of it in your mind but it's still blurry. That makes it even harder, right? Not knowing what to expect. Oh well, we have to try our best and leave the rest to Allah. He'll ease our way, InsyaAllah.

I read something today. It goes like this...

"And if Allah should amplify the provision for His servants they would certainly revolt in the earth; but He sends it down according to a measure as He pleases; surely He is Aware of, Seeing, His servants."

bahasa melayunye...

"Dan jikalau Allah melapang rezeki kepada hamba-hambaNya tentulah mereka akan melampaui batas di muka bumi, tetapi Allah menurunkan apa yang dikehendaki-Nya dengan ukuran. Sesungguhnya Dia Maha Mengetahui (keadaan) hamba-hambaNya, lagi Maha Melihat." (Asy-Syuura: 27)

Ever thought of why the things we want, we seldom get them? It says here that if Allah gives everything we've ever wanted in life on this dunya, then we, as human being will want even more. It is so typical of human to forget to be grateful for all the things we have. Always wanting the things we don't. Always hungry for more of the dunya. We shud always be grateful for every single thing we have, our beliefs, our faith, all that Allah has lent to us. What we get, is what we need.

"..and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know." (Al-Baqarah: 216)

Allah knows what's best for us. Put that trust deep in our hearts. Allah knows best! ^-^

Welcome home Asyiqin!

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum...

Alhamdulillah, Asyiqin telah sampai ke tanah air setelah 6 bulan meninggalkannye. Setelah bertarung nyawa dalam airplane tu utk mendapatkan posisi tido yang selesa, tudung dan baju berkedut sini sana, akhirnya Asyiqin tiba~ Jumpeee je ngan baba, trus kne berleter sbb kurus sangat (WHAT?!! Die tipu!) And on and on about herbalife..haha.

Ok, tinggal 2 hari je la eh nak Ramadhan. Rase neves la plak I. =P Cam nak pegi masuk examination hall. Tapi betul la kan? Bulan Ramadhan kite diuji dengan kesabaran, kelaparan, kehausan, sume 'ke-fillintheblank-an' la~ Kne la persiapkan diri kite untuk hadapi ujian2 yang mungkin lebih banyak dr bulan2 lain. Same cm exam kan? Dekat2 nak exam, kite pulun bace buku, sampai xtido malam. Minum nescafe bercawan2 just to keep our eyes open. Huhuhu...good luck and selamat beramal la ye kawan2. May we make the best of the opportunity that's in front of us. ^-^

Akhir kate, saye ingin meminta maaf sekiranya ade buat salah dan silap, selamat berpuasa dan selamat beramal~

Ape nak buat?

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum~

Lameee rasenye xmenulis kat blog ni. Huhuhu...Agaknye kalo blog ni sebuah rumah, mungkin dh penuh sawang, berhabuk2 and berdebu dh. =P Hmmm, busy sedikit bulan ni. hehehe...busy la sgt. =.="


So, semalam...saye telah belajar suatu yang sangat penting untuk kite terapkan dalam kehidupan seharian. Bincang2 tentang persediaan untuk menyambut kedatangan Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. Ape je persediaan kite untuk tingkatkan amalan2 serta beristiqamah dengan amalan2 tersebut dan macam2 lagi. Tapi yang paling terkesan di hati ni dalam perbincangan kitorg semalam is about akhlaq. Ape pemahaman kite ttg akhlaq ni? Saye xnak cerite tentang definisi akhlak ni. Sy just nak sentuh ttg aplikasi kite dalam hidup berkaitan dengan akhlak. 


Bagaimana yang kite katekan seseorang itu berakhlak? Baik dengan orang yang baik dengan kite? Senyum kembali pada mereka yg senyum pada kita? Sheikh Abdul Nasir ade menyebut how his teacher explain to him about akhlaq.

"Akhlaq is when someone's bad to you but you're so good to them, somebody's rude to you but you're still respectful to them.." 

Ape yang terlintas dalam fikiran kite bile dengar ayat kat atas? Rase susah? Xmampu? Cmne nak bersikap baik pada orang yang buat jahat kat kite? They deserve to get what they give to people. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Right? 

Cmne baik bile orang buat jahat ngan kite? Bile orang marah kite, kite xmarah balik. Itukah? Mungkin. Tapi cukupkan dengan xmarah sahaja? Yang dalam fikiran kite? Mate kite? Mulut kite? Ape yang bermain dalam fikiran kite mase2 cmtu? Makin hamun? Cmne pandangan kite selepas org buat jahat kat kite? Kite jeling? Cmne sikap kite? Acuh xacuh nak layan? Semua tu pon kne jage sekali. Komponen yang paling basic yang perlu kite ade dulu is kesabaran. Sebelum kite dapat menerapkan konsep memberi seribu kebaikan kepade mereka yang berbuat jahat dgn kite, kite perlu tingkatkan tahap kesabaran kite. (Asyiqin, dgr tu! Sabar!) 

Truthfully mmg susah nak aplikasikan bnde ni dalam kehidupan seharian. Especially mase tgh conflict atau ketegangan, mase berlalu sgt cepat smpi kite xsempat nak berfikir dulu sebelum kite bertindak dalam situasi tu. Sy amek contoh marah je la. Orang marah kat kite, die xsempat  nak abes ckp, kite dh balah balik. In the heat of the moment la~ Bersabar, bersangka baik, beri kebaikan...memang susah tapi mari kite cube! 

Jomm kite berusaha menjadi seorang muslim yang berakhlaq mulia! Sebagai persediaan bukan hanya utk bulan Ramadhan tapi sepanjang tahun~ Yosh! SEMANGAT! ^-^

Digging digging..

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum~

Saye gembire~

Sebab dapat buku...

Ok tipu, ni bukan buku-buku saye. 

But they are my dad's. 

Suke bile bace2 and discover many things yang kite xtau. 

I find it interesting. Kadang2 rase cm...

"Asyiqin, ini pon xtauu?"

"Asyiqin, bukan cmtu laaaa!!" =.="

"Ohhhhh, begitu rupenye~"

Tu yang rs lagi semangat nak cari tau tu. XD

Terime kasih juga kepada idol saye, Paaja sbb saye 'curi2' bace buku2 you. ahaha

Oh daddy, I rasmi dulu ye buku tu? Thanks~!

Changing places.

Bismillah~

Assalamualaikum...

Have you ever thought of changing places with another person? Haven't thought about it? But if you had, who would it be? Most probably someone who's living a better life than you're having now, right? Always wanting the thing we don't have, and taking for granted of the things we do have. Typical. Silly. Ungrateful. 

How about changing places with the less fortunate? Who would want to change places if that's the case? Nobody would wish that. Right? But think about it once in a while. Putting ourselves in their shoes, the less fortunate. I've always been reminded of that. I thank that reminder of mine. =) It is only then that we feel blessed. 

Right now, I feel like I'm living the life of another person. And that person is living mine. It's not necessarily bad, but it's weird. Weirdo Asyiqin~

Ok done.

[Edited]

I saw an episode of Glee (20) just now and it was exactly what I was talking about. They change characters, and it's funny. ahaha...weird~

Rindu...

Bismillah~

Assalamualaikum...

Rindunye nak menulis tapi tgh menghidap writer's block (perasan writer jap). Cannot think of anything to write. Orang kate hidup ni penuh dengan seni. Seni melukis, seni menulis, seni memasak, seni seni seni seni...sume la berkaitan dgn seni. Ade unsur2 kreativiti yang diperlukan dalam melakukan sesuatu. Menulis perlukan kreativiti, macam mane nak menarik pembaca utk teruskan pembacaan (ok, I dont have this). Melukis pon memang sah2 perlukan kreativiti, biar buruk asalkan kreatif...haha. Memasak pon same, perlukan kreativiti...kadang2 dah ikut recipe sebijik sebijun pon bleh jadi disaster, so di situlah perlunya seni mengalter! Ahaha...

***

Cannot wait to go back home for raya. 

Ukrida cpt la tentukan tarikh balik...

Tick tock tick tock~

***

Maluuuu~ Baik sangaatt, I'm so ashamed.

You came to me in that hour of need. =')

Berite gembire.

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum...

Asyiqin dapat berite gembire! I'm super excited with the news. 

^__________________________^

So happy~! Nak senyum all day long. Even in my sleep. =P

Ok tu je. 

Don't give up.

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum~

Skrg pukul 5.49pagi. Ada kelas in a few hours. Rutin harian kami skrg. Alhamdulillah 2 minggu ni xberat sgt, just kelas. Asyiqin xde jadual sbnrnye. =.=" So, skrg ni jadi anak itik ikut blkg mak itik je. Org pegi kelas, Asyiqin pon ikut pegi kelas. Ahaha...Inisiatif mane Asyiqin?! Adoi.

Sbnrnye xnak ckp pasal tu pon.

Kadang2, kite ni lemah. Rase cm xkuat untuk hadapi ujian. Tak cukup kuat nak mengharungi ombak kehidupan. Hanya mampu terbuai2, tapi xmampu bergerak maju. It's like we're in a boat, a leaky boat. In the middle of the sea. Alone. Ombak memukul sampan, and we're moving up and down, up and down. Following the laws of physics. The longer we are in that boat, the more water seeps into our boat through the small hole. The more water, the more we sink. Unless! We row the boat. Even if water gets into the boat, at least we're heading towards somewhere. A destination. Our destination.

So, my point is...even if we feel we're not strong enough to go through the hardships, just don't give up. At least we're heading towards what we want.

So Asyiqin, don't give up! That good news is on the way. Maybe got caught up in a congestion or anything. Don't give up!

Think. Ponder.

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum...

I watched and listened to a video about fashion just now and alhamdulillah sangat banyak masukan yang saye dapat. Not just about physical hijab, but also about hijab hati. Menghijabkan fizikal is so much easier (not easy at all) than hijab terhadap hati. Hijab terhadap dengki, jealous, amarah, tidak puas hati dan segala macam perasaan and fikiran negatif yang ade dalam hati/minda kite. Satu statement yang sy rase mmg sangat2 benar is "our eyes are the source of all evil". Pemikiran jahat itu selalu timbul sebab ape yang kite nampak. Mmg undeniably manusia lebih biasa mencari kesalahan pada seseorang berbanding kebaikan. And ape yang membuka peluang untuk kite mencari kesalahan2 tu? Mata! Mata meliar, mencari ape yang salah, ape yang xbetul. Instead of admiring ape yang baik. Instead of mengambil yang jernih, kite menghina2kan yang keruh. Lebih buruk lagi, bile deria yang lain ikut same. Yang telinge dengar yang jahat saje, yang mulut ckp yang jahaaaat je. Malah disebarkan ke orang lain.

Allah perintahkan kite untuk tundukkan pandangan kite. Seperti dalam surah An-Nur ayat 30 dan 31. Ditujukan kepada lelaki dan perempuan, salah satu perintah Allah dalam ayat-ayat tersebut ialah untuk tundukkan pandangan. Banyak kebaikan yang bulih kite dapat, banyak juga kejahatan yang bulih kite elak dari menundukkan pandangan ni. Jage hati, jage mata, jage minda. Jage hati dari kehitaman sifat dengki, jealous, amarah, etc. Jage mata dari timbul perasaan2 yang xdiingini dan xseptutnye. Jaga minda dari pemikiran negatif.

Hijab hati tu mmg no doubt a very hard thing to do. Adalah lebih baik kalo hijab pada fizikal yakni berjilbab kalo diiringi dengan menghijabkan hati dr kejahatan2. It's a continuous struggle. Yes, it's a STRUGGLE. I know it's hard because I'm still fighting against it. It's even harder when you're too used to doing it. Some people know exactly the things they shouldn't be doing, but they do it anyway because they are too used to it and that the society accepts it. Some people are oblivious. Some people are not strong enough to act upon their beliefs that they need a push from the outside. An external drive. A support system.

So, we have to help each other, support one another in order to change for the better. Become each other's support system.

Ok, sorry but I'm not good at talking about this. I had so much to say but it's so hard to write it. So, I'm gonna stop writing and let the video do the talking.




p/s: this is more of a self-reminder. 

Golden Time!

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum...

I'm here in my classroom. Waiting for the lecturer to arrive. The class should have started an hour and five minutes ago. Time. is gold. I was thinking to myself, what if we can take time with our hands and accumulate all the time we have to use it on another day, that would be wonderful. Like people who work, they have annual leave. More or less a fortnight per annum. (correct me if I'm wrong, I xkeje lg...so xtau pape). They can use the annual leave anytime they want but only within the year. So, people who haven't used their annual leave, they can use it all on one go and have a long leave before the year ends. Like a 2-week leave! Huaaa...syok! (Asyiqin main hentam je ni, ntah btul ntah tidak agaknye)

So, like what I was thinking just now. What if...for example, we have nothing to do for the rest of the day, too bored to do anything but it's still 12 o'clock. The sun is still high above our heads. You only think of sleeping but you can't...unless the sky is dark. So, 7 hours of not knowing what to do. Excluding the things a muslim has to do in those hours. 7 hours of wasting time. If you can take that time and put it in a jar. Like collecting coins. But instead of coins, we collect time. Only to use it upon emergencies. Like during exam week. 24 hours seems like 24 minutes. Never seem to have enough time to study. What if we can topup the hours in a day using the time we've collected? I wonder how that goes.

But, this is totally absurd. That is totally impossible. Time and tide waits for no man. No one is powerful enough to stop time. Nobody in this world is capable of doing such a thing. Nobody!

Time flies. And those who won't fly away together with time, stay in the past and are at lost.

"We still have time". The same thing we tell ourselves over and over again. But is it true?

Peluang

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum...

Peluang. Chance. Apakah yang penting sangat dengan peluang ni? Ape yang best sangat dgn peluang ni? Ape manfaat peluang ni? Penting, best, byk manfaatnye! Tidak terexplain la kalo nak explain. Bayangkan sahaje lah, Allah memberi peluang kepada hamba-Nya every second of every day kite hidup, bernafas. Allah beri kite mase, peluang setiap hari untuk bertaubat. Even kite buat kesalahan yang sama, pintu taubat sentiase terbuka luas untuk kita.

Jadi manusia. Hamba kepada Allah. Layakkah kita menarik peluang manusia yang lain? Apa jenis peluang pon. Layakkan kita untuk tidak memberi peluang pada makhluk-Nya yang lain? Ape kelayakan kita untuk menarik peluang manusia lain sedangkan peluang tersebut bukan milik kita untuk ditarik? Berilah peluang kepada orang lain. Berilah kesempatan untuk mereka melakukan kesalahan dan menyedarinya. Kite semua melakukan kesilapan. Kite sume manusia biasa. Kite sendiri buat kesilapan, secara sedar atau tidak sedar. Mungkin tanpa sedar kite dh lakukan kesilapan, kawan kite beri peluang but kite xnmpk. But when kawan kite buat bnde yang same, dihukum pula. Xde keseimbangan kan kalo cmtu?

Yang berpeluang itu kne la menggunakan peluang tersebut sebaiknya. Jangan disia-siakan peluang yang ada. Peluang yang diberi bukan tiket utk membuat lagi kesilapan yang jelas itu suatu kesilapan. Tapi peluang utk menyedari kesilapan. Peluang untuk membaiki diri, peluang untuk menjadi lebih baik.

Ok, Asyiqin dh mule merapik. Percubaan membuka mata untuk study tidak berjaye, maka menulis blog. Di kala minda masih mamai, bantal memanggil2, katil kelihatan lebih empuk dan besar dan selesa. Ah, temptations! Sungguh banyak apabila mendekati ujian. ='(

*xnak mimpi ngeri lagii~!*

Guilty as charged.

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum...

I now realize that I need to rinse, wash, spin and dry my heart. And in the process, I have to use a very strong detergent and a concentrated bleach. To wash off all the stains. To drain out all the dirtiness. To whiten the unclean. To freshen the stink. To sweeten the unpleasant.

As white as snow.

The question is, is it even possible? If I could rip my heart out and wash it thoroughly using a washing machine and put it back in place..a clean and white heart, I would. But that is beyond possible.

So, I have to find another way. What is the other way? I want to know. I see glimpses of it every now and then, but why does it seem so far away? The moment I see the way, it disappears. Even if it stayed, I still couldn't reach it. There are always obstacles, things hindering me from making it till the end. I tried being strong, tried not to fall into 'traps' along the way, walk cautiously with every step I take...but in the end of the day, the efforts and struggles seem so useless. It's like I can't move on. Dwelling on the past. It's funny that I can dwell on the past when in fact I have very short memory span. It's too funny. I just don't understand my brain. I really don't. The things I want to forget love to linger in my head and the things I desperately want to remember just love to leave my brain.

Maybe I should rinse, wash, spin and dry my brain as well. It seems to be the source of all the problems. Either because I forget things, or because I remember things. Forgetting and remembering is the brain's job right? Hurm~ Making mistakes without realizing it. Hurting people without knowing it. Saying the wrong things without intending to. Yes, we can control what we say, do, think but I believe that'll take a lot of energy from your body. And you wont last half a day. At least I won't. But I have to try, right? For the sake of peace. My peace and other people's peace. And the world's!

I'm a victim of my own mind. And other people are the victims of my wrongdoings. I need somebody to shut off my brain and turn on my heart. Please and thank you~

My twin sister...

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum..

Not too long ago, someone once told me that he recognized me from afar just by looking at the way I walk. Since then, I kept on thinking...do I really have my own style of walking? Talking? Laughing? Looking? etc. I really want to know how I've been presenting myself in front of people. I want to look at myself. I need somebody who is exactly like me to see all those with my own two myopic eyes. Like inspecting without 'me' noticing. I can't look at mirrors because I won't act naturally that way.

I've pictured myself with a twin sister before. The exact copy of myself. Almost like a clone. Who eats, sleeps, laughs, talks, walks and does everything else like I do. But we all know twins aren't exactly similar in every way. Yes, they may look alike, or have the same height, or have the same shoe size, or the same length of hair, or maybe have the same way of thinking...but I'm sure they don't talk or laugh or look at people the same way. People who are close to twins (identical) can differentiate between the two just by looking at minor details. Their different hair style maybe, scar, moles, smile, emotions, etc. (I don't know what these last two sentences are for, bear with me.)

A twin sister. Hurm, I wonder~ I'm very sure this is the influence of that Thai horror movie 'Alone'. But I don't want to be the one who died, strangled by her Siamese twin sister. Nor the one who strangled the twin sister. Hurm~ Ok, so weird.  And I'm pretty sure Tia and Tamera has something to do with this. Aiyoo~

I just want to look at myself the way other people look at me (if they ever). See what I do wrong, what I should change, what I should do, what I shouldn't do. But I know that's impossible (to have a twin sister). It's hard to realize you're doing something wrong/right when you're the one doing it.

So, there. That's what I've been thinking about for the past few days. Aside from the other important things I should be thinking. Haaaahh...*pusing, pening, dizzy, vertigo*

I know I should care more about how I present myself to Him. Think more about that Asyiqin! Tsk3~

*Lega sudah. Rase macam terangkat la sikit beban di bahu. hoho...

Ada hikmah.

Bismillah.
Assalamualaikum~

Yes, saya amat yakin ada hikmahnya. Mungkin kita xnampak, but pastinya ada! Mungkin belum ada, but pastinya akan ada! I'm very sure of it. Knpe sesuatu itu ditarik dari kita? Pastinya Dia ada sesuatu yang lebih baik utk diberikan kepada kita. Mungkin bukan the better version of ape yang ditarik, but surely something better. Mungkin diturunkan dalam bentuk lain. Bentuk material? Spiritual? Financial? Achievements? We never know. Itu hanya Dia yang tahu.

Ade hikmah, ade hikmah, ade hikmah, ade hikmah, ade hikmah, ade hikmah, ade hikmah. Pasti! Dialah sebaik2 perancang. Percayakan Dia.

So, bersabarlah wahai hati. Tempuhi dugaan dengan sabar. Dugaan ini xseberat mereka di sana. Bersyukurlah. Semoga kesabaran dalam menempuhi perjalanan ini dapat membentuk diri menjadi lebih baik. Amiiin...

The best part

Bismillah~
Assalamualaikum...

So, today...we went to Taman Mini Indonesia Indah or TMII for short. It was planned a long time ago but only now that we got the time to go there. Hurm, more or less the same things, went to Taman Budaya Tionghoa, tgk ikan air tawar, taman serangga and kupu2, musium perajurit, tgk cite T-Rex jap, tgk 4D theatre, replika rumah2, cable car..balik.

And the best part is...the sky. It's when I saw the clouds while in the cable car that I became hyped up. It was so beautiful I couldn't stop talking about it. My friends who were in the cable car with me most probably shut themselves down as I was babbling away about it. Let me just show you what I saw.

The first picture, I captured it right after the cable car started moving towards the other end. So, I didn't get to see the bigger view of the clouds. I just saw the sun behind that shark-head-looking cloud. It was beautiful enough to get me started talking. And as the cable car moved farther away, to the opposite side of taman mini...I saw this, the bigger picture. 

Subhanallah~ I felt like crying. I'm so blessed. =) And suddenly, all the mishaps seems like nothing as I have this to appreciate.You can't see it clearly from these pictures (maybe you can click on the picture). Basically, the light from the sun was obstructed by the clouds to reach land, so it casts shadows. Hope I can see that every minute of every day. Actually, I just have to look closely and I will see it. =) Oh, so many reasons to smile~ ^___________________________^ 

Stargazing...

Bismillah...
Assalamualaikum~

Stargazing has always been my hobby. Moon gazing too. But not sun gazing, I'd be blind by now, ahaha. So, yesterday, I went to Kuningan and only went back after maghrib. And the sky was dark by the time I reached my neighbourhood. I had to walked a few hundred meters before making it to the house. I looked up at the black sky and searched for the stars. It took me a few second to actually see them. One after another, appeared out of nowhere. It's like they are visible only to those who look for them. If that's the case, I'd be super grateful that oh-so-many stars in the sky appear just for me (the person who looked for them).

During my school days at TGB, I looked at the sky almost every night. On my way to class, there's this open space with no roof on top that I had to pass through. That was the place where I had the chance to star-gaze while speed walking to class. Among sweet memories I had in TGB, stargazing was one of them. Sweet memories I made with myself. The time I felt calm, happy, carefree, etc. Imagining how vast the world beyond Earth is.

This past few days, again, I had the chance to see the night sky. And luckily there's very little clouds, so I could see a wider view of the sky. Meaning more stars! And the night I came back from Kuningan, I saw the Big Dipper! That was my first time spotting a constellation after years of stargazing. Yeah, I'm not really an astrology freak, so I don't know much about constellations. Maybe I've been staring at it my whole life, but I just didn't notice it. Who knows~ But I'm very sure it was the Big Dipper. Seriously, I love looking at the moon, the stars, all the beautiful creations of His. Alhamdulillah~ =)

I saw this!! XD

One day, if possible, I want to see aurora borealis. I wish.

A stroll down the beach....

Bismillah...

Assalamualaikum~

Alhamdulillah selesai sudah integrasi 1 untuk blok 23. But forget not Asyiqin, you have mini OSCE in two days.  I didn't do very well the first time, so I need to be at the ready for the second one this month and hope for the best. I stayed up all night yesterday, only to have less than 30 minutes of sleep for the last 32 hours. I couldn't even climb up the stairs without wobbling. My bag felt so heavy I almost toppled over a few times. Then, after the exam...a class. I slept for a few minutes in class before I was jerked awake by the noise the other students were making. And not long after that, the class ended. It's time for me and my housemates to head home.

As we were walking out of the class, I speed-walked (didn't bother to wait for any of my housemates) coz I couldn't hold the sleepiness any longer. I needed to sleep. But I was too tired, I decelerated and walked a steady pace. I looked at the sky, it was not blue. Not as bright as usual. It was grey. Rain is bound to fall tonight, I thought to myself. So, I walked alone (not really alone, just nobody by my side). Looked at my feet, one step after the other. Felt the wind blowing through my face. It reminded me of the beach. So, I walked even slower. My housemates in the distance. I didn't want to catch up to them. I wanted to be alone. Flushing everything out of my head. Imagining myself strolling down a white sandy beach. Avoid stepping on seashells or shards of glass.

In reality, the path I was taking was far from what I imagined. It doesn't smell like the ocean. No white sand. No seashells. Being sleep-deprived really made my mind go wild. I was in a far far away land. I need to go somewhere, where I can sit and don't think. At all. Just enjoy the scenery and the time. Not worrying about anything. Just me and Allah. If I could survive that, I would have done it. Swimming all day and sit by the campfire by night. Oh, so carefree.

I imagined waterfalls in front of me. Cold clear water. Little fish swimming in the splashing water underneath. Rainbows (yes, multiple) over my head. Trying to grasp it, if possible keep it in a jar. A jar of rainbow. If only~ Ah, imagination.

I should be sleeping right now but instead, I'm wide awake. 34 hours and counting...

I didn't realize it before.

Bismillah...
Assalamualaikum~

The thing that I've been asking people about, searching for answers...at last, I got it! I figured it out. How? It's by being on the other side of the story. When you're in that story, you don't feel anything. But when you're watching/reading the story, you'll feel all sorts of emotions from it. I didn't get it before. I was curious, how is it that people can see what I can't see? I kept on thinking but to no avail.

So, I tried a different approach. By being them. See it through their eyes. And I think it helped. Well, it didn't actually prove anything but at least this gives me peace of mind. Rather than continuing to brainstorm, urgh very tiring I tell you. And I have so many other things to do.

Okay, now that that's settled, I can do something else. Huhuhu...

*****

My dad once told me..."you shouldn't say something like that in front of these people". Something like that? These people? Actually, the story goes like this...me, dad and mummy were at a driving range coz my dad wanted to practice hitting golf balls and after 90+ balls, he asked me to try. I didn't want to because I know I wasn't good at it, but part of me wanted to try...just once. So, I agreed. Tried hitting this one ball but failed numerous times. I was fed up, I blurted out "ishh, benci la main golf!" in front of many golf enthusiasts, including my dad. And he said the aforementioned phrase. I was like, what's wrong with that? I didn't understand what I said wrong.

It isn't as easy as it looks. 

(tongue-twister! try saying that 10 times in a row)

Then, today...I understand why. The same thing happened. But this time, I'm one of the 'golf enthusiasts'. Hearing a person say like that about something we like, something we're pursuing, something we're into...is hurtful. Even if we have no rights over his/her opinion about it. So, the moral of the story? Brainstorm and figure it out by yourself. Huhihuhi...

Lalala~

Reminder...

Bismillah...
Assalamualaikum~

I've reached Jakarta...for the umpteenth time. And the part I like about coming back here is...sitting at the window seat of the plane. Having the chance to witness the picturesque views from up above. The clouds, the sea, the sun, shadows of clouds cast by the sun on the surface of the sea and land, layer after layer of clouds, raindrops, cars and motorcycles the size of ants down below, different yet beautiful shades of colours showing the merging of sea and the beach, the waves, the horizon, and if lucky...the sunset/sunrise.

The main reason I like all those things is because it always reminds me of our Creator. The complexity of it all just shows how little and helpless we are without Him. How shadows are cast? How clouds can bear water and release it as raindrops? Why is it released in raindrops and why not like the waterfall? How is snow formed? It boggles your mind just thinking about it. But that's how Allah makes it work. It's amazing. A constant reminder if we truly look. Alhamdulillah~

It's amazing to see all the clouds are gathering themselves to cover the land, give shade for the humans from the scorching heat of the sun. And yet we still complain coz there's no wind. Tsk3~ Humans...

(gmbr xlawa, kamera xbawak, pikasa xmau bukak)

***

I was having a tough day and the day just got worse and worse by the minute. I found out that once again, I'm the only Malaysian in my group this semester. Plus I've been grouped with the person that most of us 'despise'.  I'm the only one in group B in this house. Yes, what are the odds of being the sole 'survivor' in group B? 1 out of 14! And I'm the one! (Yeah, it's no big deal.) I should be proud to be the selected one. The SPECIAL one. But being the only one in everything just made me sad. Haip! Be strong Asyiqin! Yosh!
\(^.^)/

And then, another thing happened...my lotion spilled out of its bottle into my bag. My pencil case, book, purse all covered in lotion. And I blurted out an almost-scream...."Oh nooooo!!!" And then I realized, 'oh Asyiqin how ungrateful you are as a human. This is how Allah wants it to be. Accept it and deal with it', I said to myself. I'm so glad the only words I uttered was 'oh no' and nothing else. I so regret the feeling I had this morning, this afternoon, this evening. Oh Asyiqin. Bad girl!

***

Yeah, I'm not done yet. People say, don't compare your life with others because you don't know what they've been through in their journey of life. And I agree, but it's very hard to do. It's true that maybe in some ways other people's life seems much better than the one you're having, but we don't really know the absolute truth. Do they display happiness and 'prosperity' to others sincerely? Or are they faking it? Are the smiles and laughters real? We can't know for sure unless we're that people. Even if all those laughters, happiness, 'prosperity', smiles and everything good are real as they can be, they are also human...they can't run from making mistakes. Maybe we just can't see all the unhappiness, sadness, frowns and 'poverty' because we are 'forced' to see all the things we don't have (the positives). As if we're the only one suffering and nobody else in this world will ever go through it. You want what they have. As if it's a race to please yourself. But know dear self, the only one we should be racing for is Him.

Everything happens for a reason. I believe that. Like that incident where my lotion spilled all over my bag, well...I found out later on while washing the bag that it has a hole. Maybe it happened because I need to sew the hole and that would probably save a lot of my time blabbering about how stuff in my bag go missing. Hurm~ Maybe... And I sincerely believe that what happened in the past is for the better of our future.

Differences..

Assalamualaikum~

Haaa, just now I was watching this malay drama and it got me thinking. Is this how men would react? Is this how women would react? It's not about the actors or the actresses. But the scriptwriters and novelists. Ok, I was thinking...is the script made by a few scriptwriters or just one? A man or a woman?

My dad once told me, men usually are the bosses in companies because they don't mix personal affairs with business. They leave their problems at home. So, I watched this drama and this main actor was in a bad mood because he saw his wife hugging another man at a hospital the day before. He slammed his office door and was mad at his colleague and yelled like crazy. Then, I was reminded by my father's words. Does every man act the way my father said? Totally separating work from their feelings? Or maybe some of them just don't fit the criteria?

Generally, women can't separate work from their feelings. It's a well-known fact. Sooooo, this actor's actions in the drama made me think about the script. Who wrote it? A man? A woman?

Actually, I'm exhausted! I don't want to know anymore. I don't care who the scriptwriters are. It's so hard writing in English nowadays. Hah! My brain is exhausted. Words just don't flow as easily as the did a few years back. Oh, the yesteryears. I'm so frustrated right now. Arghhh!

Bukan anda seorang..

Assalamualaikum~

Hmmm, I want to write in English today. I just feel like it. The mood is there, so why not..right? Ok, I don't really know what to say but I just feel like writing something.

These past couple of weeks have been very difficult. Day after day after day. Like I said in the previous entry, "Dugaan skrg ni makin kerap dan makin berat. Memerlukan kesabaran dan keteguhan iman". Everything becomes complicated and delicate. I have to handle it with extra care.

Plus the unwanted problem that most probably will be repeating itself until the end of time (ok, over! maybe just for the next few months or years). Again, depends on how I handle it. Honestly, I feel miserable! Vulnerable! Depressed! Pathetic! But alhamdulillah not to the point of hurting myself. I still care for my health. I eat (a lot!), I sleep (like a baby!). But sadly every waking hour is a struggle, torture. Huaa~

Silelah menangis pada Yang Melihat, mengadu pada Yang Mendengar duhai Asyiqin. ^-^

At the same time, I feel like the weight on my shoulder is gone after I chose to follow my decision. It's like I don't feel burdened by it. I feel very pleased. Because it's the right thing, kan? (I shouldn't be asking this question, it's clearly the right thing to do) I just hope it lasts and that it won't change anything. Moga2 dipermudahkan oleh Allah. Amiiin~

Ok2, I know...ape la Asyiqin ni merepek. Blabbering people to sleep. Ngehehe...

Oh Asyiqin, stop owing people already! =.="

Kawan2, sy bayar lepas elaun masuk ye!

Sorry~!!!

(seriously perasaan berhutang ni is like being backed into a corner.

The more you owe, the tighter you'll get crushed)

Ok bye!

Dugaan makin berat.

Assalamualaikum.

Tu je nak ckp.

Dugaan skrg ni makin kerap dan makin berat.

Memerlukan kesabaran (I have patience ok!)

dan

keteguhan iman (xleh lemah2, kne kuat!).

Q(^____^Q) nak kne tumbuk? AHAHA...

Huah!

Ok bye. Busy3, xleh blog banyak2.